no!! no!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.