(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition