[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.