In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
This is me
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.