Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.