Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
You Might Also Like
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?