People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”