GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
i smell a pulitzer
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”