Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Haha good job!!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.