Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right