“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
You Might Also Like
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
This classic never gets old . . .
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive