No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…