My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
this has to be peak English
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*