It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.