I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.