Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.