If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
my one true gender
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false