doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs