me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane