Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Botany good plants lately?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
When you’re Kinky but poor
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”