GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…