My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it