Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!