Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Happy weekend !
the rocks need my help
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”