“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.