my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
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sigh
A roof is a house hat.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I have a black belt in leather
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty