Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Ummm
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Not even remotely sorry.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.