[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me before I type out affect or effect