Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*