Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.