the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
peak technology
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Thank you corporation very cool
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*