all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.