me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”