*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”