My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Just why bro?!