Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
emergency phone
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.