10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
This made me smile…
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car