I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
What?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat