Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
It be like that sometimes 😆
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!