Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
*puts cutlery down*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled