You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries