A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.