If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.