Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.