Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The A string on my guit_r is flat
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.