My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Sharon I have some bad news
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040