6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas