I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
me hooking up with my ex
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.