What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!