Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit